Jessie’s story | Wrestling in prayer

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

“As a small child, I knew I wanted to follow Jesus. I grew up in a Christian home, so I had an understanding of the Gospel. Then, when I was 13, I was on a youth camp and the speaker talked about grace. He said that God gifts us grace, though his Son, Jesus. There is nothing we can do to earn salvation!

I don’t think I ever heard anyone say that we had to earn it. But, in a way, that’s how we lived, in a strict Baptist family in rural Queensland. We prayed, we went to church, we read the Bible, so it felt like those were the things we had to do, to be Christians. My eyes were opened on that camp. Wow! That’s what it’s all about – Jesus has done it for us! I put my hand up.

My grandparents also had a strong Christian faith, so after that, I went to their house after school and asked them all my questions. They gave me my first study Bible. They were such a blessing from God to me!

But I was always seen as the good person. I was known as the good Christian girl from the Christian family. At high school, I found it hard, trying to navigate that. I struggled with it. I wanted to say, “I’m just like everybody else!”

After I left high school, I started working in childcare, and then in school chaplaincy. I was still living at home and going to church with my parents. I knew that it pleased my parents that I went to church. I also knew that if my siblings didn’t go to church, my parents felt disappointed. I wanted to please them. But in that time, I think it turned back into works. I struggled, internally. Inside, I didn’t even know if I wanted to be a Christian anymore. It was too hard to please all these people, all the time.

I don’t know what happened, but I started keeping a prayer journal. Whenever I felt like that, about pleasing people, or not wanting to be a Christian, I’d write it down as a prayer. I wrestled with it for a really long time. Until one day, I realised it doesn’t matter about pleasing other people, it matters about pleasing God.

Sometime later, I went to work on a cattle station in North Queensland. It was the first time I’d left home, and it meant that I went from a really supportive community to a very isolated place. The cattle station was an hour out of town. I struggled with not having fellowship with

any other Christians for a year. I was reading the Bible a lot, but it was hard having no one to talk to. I remember, one Sunday morning, I woke up really early at 3am. I couldn’t sleep. I felt alone. But God was so faithful. I turned the TV on and there was an online church service at 3am! I watched it every Sunday morning after that. It was a great encouragement for me.

All my life, people have put me up as the good Christian girl, mainly because I wasn’t doing the things the others were doing. But it’s nothing to do with me. It’s God. Even when I wanted to run away from my faith, it was still God. I can’t take any credit for it. It’s only his grace and faithfulness, in Christ. I know a lot of people say it, but it’s true. Even now, it’s Christ in me they can see. It’s not me.

One of my grandparent’s favourite passages is Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

It’s so true. That’s my favourite verse now too now. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will make your paths straight!”

Jessie’s story is part of the Faith Stories series, compiled by Naomi Reed.

Visit Koorong to purchase Naomi’s Faith Stories book, Every Moment, Everywhere: https://koorong.com/everymoment